It’s Hard
The story of a man who is regaining control, battling cultural norms & marketing budgets.
January 2023
I never considered myself an alcoholic. But towards the end of 2022 I drank pretty much every evening. Not much, but a glass or two yes.
I didn’t like that. Because, in the end, it’s poison. No matter what they say.
I have tried to go without alcohol a few times before. But after a few weeks or months, it always slipped back in.
So this time I’m going to try a different approach.
I do like a good beer or glass of wine, especially with friends. So I’m not going to go without. I’d like it to be something for special occasions, not something regular. Drink responsibly as they call it.
To keep myself honest, I’ll keep track of it. And the reasons. Or excuses.
February 2023
‘What’s that?’ she said, pointing at one of my paintings.
I had a friend over to watch the finals of Sanremo.
‘Oh, that tracks my alcohol consumption,’ I said, ‘I want to cut it down.’
‘Ah I get it.’ She studied the painting. ‘I see a pattern emerging around the weekends.’ she said, laughing.
‘Yeah, Saturday Nights out. And on Sundays I make fish and chips, my son’s favorite meal. I make it with a beer batter, so I drink what’s left. Don’t want to let it go to waste!’
She looked at me understandingly.
‘Last Sunday my mind started playing with me, though.’ I lowered my voice as though I was revealing a dark secret, ‘I bought two bottles instead of one. I was thinking, if I already drink half a bottle, I might just add another one.’ I said, making a face reflecting my own stupidity.
She looked at me, puzzled. ‘But you include beer? It has only 5%. Don’t you think you should exclude beer?’
I caught my mind considering this attractive option, before resolutely putting an end to the thought.
‘Nah,’ I said, ‘I’m doing this for real.’
March 2023
January: 42%
February: 39%
March: 35%
When I started this, I didn’t have a clear goal in mind, other than that I wanted to drink significantly less. With respect to that, I’m definitely making progress.
Now I want more though.
I’d like to get to 25%, approximately, at least, for now.
Some of you told me about the rules that you have in place: “I never drink at home”, “I only drink on the weekends”, “I never drink alone”, “No hard liquor, except for tequila”,...
I’m going to do something different. I’m going to trial the rule that I have 8 ‘credits’ per month, which should get me to 25%. And I’ll comply with the “No hard liquor, except for tequila”. In the end it’s all poison, but I make a damn fine Margarita, so I’d like to keep that in.
April 2023
January: 42%
February: 39%
March: 35%
April: 20%
Something changed this month.
This month it was not that hard, actually, whereas in the previous months it had been.
The nagging voice in the back of my mind seems to have disappeared.
There was no “Go on, live a little!” in the drinks aisle in the supermarket. There was no “Everyone else is drinking…” in the bar with some friends. There was no “A good dinner really needs a good glass of red wine!” while out for dinner. There was no “Come on, you really deserved it!” after a good week.
I even didn’t ‘spend’ all of my 8 credits, I used only 6 of them.
I haven't decided yet if unspent credits carry over to the next month, but I don’t think I’ll need them anyway. Let's see.
In any case, I’m very pleased with where this is going.
Thanks for sticking this out with me.
May 2023
I though I’d answer some FAQs:
Q: So red is a day when you drank alcohol and black is when you didn’t?
A: Yep, that’s right.
Q: Do you make a new painting every month?
A: No, it’s the same canvas. At the end of each month I add the blocks according to how that month transpired.
Q: Do you plan your alcohol consumption in order to make an interesting pattern?
A: I tried but I failed.
Q: The blocks aren’t perfect, why is that?
A: Every day is different, so is every block.
Q: Have you cheated?
A: I was tempted to but I haven't
Q: Have you thought of quitting?
A: Yes, but only during the first 2 months.
Q: How is it going?
A: Very well, I am very pleased with the progress: January: 42%, February: 39%, March: 35%, April: 20%, May: 19%. I find it easier and easier to say no, and it is less and less on my mind. My guess is that June will be down further, despite the beer-benevolent weather.
Q: Where do you think you’ll end up?
A: I’ve noticed that the periods that I go without are getting longer and longer. Maybe this trend will continue and the dry periods will just get longer. I have thought about going 100% sober, and maybe I’ll get to that organically, rather than making an active decision to do so. I’m very curious to see what will happen.
June 2023
The Esselunga cassiere picked up my beers to scan them.
‘But these are alcohol free?,’ he said, baffled. ‘Are you sure?’
In the past months, sometimes I have felt that the universe is conspiring against me in my efforts to reduce alcohol consumption.
But this one really took the cake.
‘Yes, I am sure,’ I responded, straightening my back, ‘thanks for asking, though’.
July 2023
“Do you think anyone will buy this painting when it’s finished?,” an old friend asked as we were sipping some beers.
“I haven't really thought about it,” I said, “I started doing this project for myself, to reduce my alcohol consumption, and so far it’s working. Then quite a few people reached out to me to tell me that this project had made them question their alcohol consumption and that they had decided to make some changes to it. One friend even adopted my credit system. That’s all very cool, I think. So, I’m already happy, regardless if I will sell the painting in the end, or not.”
“Yeah, that’s cool. I’m not sure if anyone would want your drinking pattern on their wall.” he laughed.
“Hahaha yeah, I hear you. But I think it will look cool when it’s finished,” I said, “and I don’t really see it as a drinking pattern. I see it more as a story of a man who is regaining control, while the cultural norms and marketing budgets are stacked against him.”
August 2023
January: 42% (13/31)
February: 39% (11/28)
March: 35% (11/31)
April: 20% (6/30)
May: 19% (6/31)
June: 17% (5/30)
July: 26% (8/31)
July was tough.
If I hadn’t had my credit system in place I would have been back where I started. After I ran out of my 8 credits, many times the thought slipped into my head that it would be fair to apply the unused credits from the previous months.
But I didn’t budge, thankfully.
And I’m very happy about that, because I don’t want to go back where I started.
July made me realise that 8 days in a month is still too much. All in all, alcohol doesn’t make me feel good, and the risk of slippage is too big. So, going forward I have set the number of credits to 4.
Feeling much better now
⬇⬇⬇
August: 10% (3/31)
September 2023
Ping! There was a DM from a Tinder date turned Instagram friend.
“Hi !! How are you?,” she wrote, “I saw your post and I didn’t know about your addiction. I’m sorry about that but I hope that you'll sort it out soon ❤️”
“Sh*t,” I thought, “everybody thinks I’m an addict.”
“Addiction is a heavy word,” I responded quickly, “but I was definitely drinking more than I wanted to, and that’s why I’m doing this project. I’m very happy with my progress so far. Thank you for your support ! 🤗🤗”
It got me thinking though, had I been an addict?
To find out, I filled out the WHO Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT) as per my state in the fall of 2022 to get some unbiased clarity on this question. I scored 7 points out of 40, meaning low risk. “You probably do not have a problem with alcohol. Continue drinking in moderation or not at all.”, said the test result.
My split-second reaction was: “Oh great, all was not so bad, I can just go back to my usual ways !” Only to realize my brain was tricking me again, because I do not want to go back there.
Thinking back, while I was probably not consuming the quantities to be qualified as an addiction, my brain was definitely fooled by the addictive forces of alcohol. I remember how, in the first few months of reducing my alcohol consumption, I was navigating the drinks aisle in the supermarket, like a true Odysseus, fighting the temptation of the luring calls. And how I was making up excuses to find ways around my new system.
Now it seems that I have permanent wax in my ears, like Odysseus’s well able-bodied crew and I’d like to keep it that way. I haven't decided yet if I will go 100% sober or not, but in many ways it would make things easier. I’ll figure that out in the next few months.
October 2023
January: 42% (13/31)
February: 39% (11/28)
March: 35% (11/31)
April: 20% (6/30)
May: 19% (6/31)
June: 17% (5/30)
July: 26% (8/31)
August: 10% (3/31)
September: 10% (3/30)
October: 19% (6*/31)
I’m good with this.
* I did not count the Lucky Saints that I had in London while visiting my daughter. They are 0.5% and they are good.
November 2023
‘So, are you going to quit altogether?’ she asked.
‘Nah, I don’t want to, I like having a drink once in a while. I found a good balance now, it’s less and less on my mind.’ I said.
‘I get you, I feel the same. So what are you going to do when the year is finished?’
‘I think that I’ll continue with my credit system. It works for me. I worry that if I let go of it, I’ll slip back into where I was last year. And I really don’t want that.’
‘So you’ll make another painting?’ she laughed.
‘Haha, I’m not sure yet. Updating the painting every month was kind of important to the process, because it forced me to take stock and gave me the time to really reflect on what was happening inside my mind. But people may be getting tired of seeing a guy with a half finished painting in an elevator, so…’ I responded.
‘No that was good, I liked it,’ she interjected, ‘it was interesting to follow.’
‘Hm, I’ll think about it,’ I said, pausing, ‘same pattern, same colors?’
‘Of course !’
December 2023
I’ve been working on this painting for the past 12 months.
If you are reading this, it's likely that you have followed me on this journey.
Thank you for that, it made a huge difference.
December was tough, I went over my credits for the obvious reasons. I don’t feel good about it and I take it as a friendly reminder that it is a fine idea to continue with this in 2024.
I’m very happy that I undertook this experiment and I’m very pleased with the outcome so far. It’s working for me!
It’s Hard, 2023
